20 April 2010

The Search for the Perfect Jeans

Have you looked at any Old Masters' paintings lately?  Once upon a time, people knew what a woman was shaped like.  Once upon a time, they understood that stomachs don't stay flat (if they ever were to begin with) and that thighs can be both round and beautiful.  Once upon a time, a woman with curves was oh, so wonderful to behold.  This is as opposed to our current aesthetic, which idolizes a shape resembling a pair of balloons attached to a stick figure.

I was thinking about this today, as I returned to my hunt for a perfect pair of jeans.  It's something that I engage in periodically, just for my own amusement because I need pants.  I've tried the "skirts only" thing, and it doesn't work for me.  So, I have a list, and I hunt through the racks to see how many items I can check off before I admit defeat.  I never get the whole list.  That's the way the game goes.  It isn't that it's long or difficult, or that I'm particularly difficult to please.  It's just that fashion designers (apparently) don't know any real women.  So, as a favour to the fashion industry which is naturally hanging on my every word, I present Requirements for a Perfect Pair of Jeans:

 The perfect pair of jeans would be loose enough through the seat and thigh that I could sit down easily, but tight enough in the waist that when I did, I wouldn't have to worry about what was showing from behind.  It would be a dark color, to minimize my lower half.  It would be boot-cut, to balance my hips, and sit at my natural waist to cover my mommy-tummy. 

Is that so difficult?

(True story:  I was nursing Monkey3 the other day, when Monkey2 walked in and started poking at my stomach.  "Mama, are you growing another baby?" she asked.  "No, why do you ask?" I replied, because I'm a sucker for punishment.  "Because," she poked me again, "just look at this!"  Then I wrote her out of my will forever.  The End.)

The perfect pair of jeans does not exist.  This is true because some idiot in the fashion industry (possibly more than one) decided to bring back acid-wash jeans, like the eighties weren't bad enough the first time around.  Also because clothing designers have yet to discover that, after curving out to accomodate a woman's hips, you need to curve back in (going from the bottom, up) to take into account the fact that we also have a waist.  And boot-cut jeans are too hip to sit at the natural waist.  So, really, it's pretty much a lost cause.

The last time I bought jeans, I got them on sale at Chico's.  You have to love a store where no one is larger than a 3.  I bought jeans that filled all requirements except being boot-cut and fitting at the waist.  Then I took them to a tailor, and had her take in the waist a full four inches.  FOUR inches!!  "Wow" she told me, "your waist is really tiny!"  Actually, the truth is I have big hips, but she's been my favourite person since she said that.

I refuse to believe that my shape is that odd or difficult to fit.  I am a reasonably sized woman, with a very nice, womanly figure.  I don't need to look like Twiggy, and I should be able to buy pants that fit.  Standing in the fitting room (where nothing ever does) I repeat to myself:  "If Rembrandt were still alive, I would be a goddess!"

Maybe I should look into getting a toga.

1 comment:

  1. Old Navy used to make a great pair that actually met your criteria, but they discontinued it 2 years ago. I didn't buy jeans for 2 years until I literally wore holes in my last Old Navy pair. Finally, after lots of futile searching, I found a pair of the newest Lee design at Kohls. They actually fit correctly, hold my tummy in without the muffin-top effect, are loose enough to be a mom in (but come in at the waist), and are bootcut. I will try to find the design name for you :-)

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