Then I found out we were expecting again, and I didn't want to talk about it. It was too hard to have to say, again, "Nevermind, no baby this time either." So I didn't post for a while about that, either.
Since we passed the end of the first trimester, and it appears that this baby will, in fact, be joining us, I've thought periodically about posting again. I'm running into a roadblock there too, which is this: Names.
Names are pretty powerful things. When you name something, you give it an identity, almost create a new piece of its being. Or identify one that already exists, and bring it out into the open. It's no trivial matter, calling a name and hanging it on something, out there for the world to see. We see that in the Bible, where names are so frequently explained, where God makes Himself known to us, a bit more each time, with a new name. When Jacob changes his youngest son's name, from Ben-Oni, Son of my Sorrow, to Benjamin, Son of my Right Hand - Son of my Joy. Names are serious business.
I have never shared my children's names on this blog because I worried about the wrong people finding them and using them for harm. I know lots of bloggers that talk about their children, some who use names, some who don't. That's where my comfort level was at the time, so I called them by nickname, all my Monkeys, and number in order from birth.
Which brings us to my difficulty: What do I call this newest little one on the way? I couldn't call it Monkey4; that felt like a denial of the three I lost, as though somehow in not being born, they had never actually existed. But calling this baby Monkey7 felt... a bit too raw. Too personal. Too much information to throw at someone who stopped by to find out how I blend a smoothie up, or organize my days. So I've decided it's time to use names.
This is my oldest, Monkey1. His name is Brynning. It comes from Norwegian, an old family name, and means Protector, Defender, something that protects the most vulnerable. He is my constantly curious explorer, artist, and scientist. His current hero is Leonardo Da Vinci, and I'd say he has a fair shot at replicating, if not Da Vinci's multiple talents, at least his constant and broad curiousity. He has a way of looking at life with just a bit of a twist, that constantly makes me smile.
Those are the people who fill up my hours, my home, and my heart. Pretty soon we'll add another little one to the mix. I can't wait.